Brrrrr…..

Lately I have taken to keeping an audition journal, or, more specifically, a film audition journal.  I didn't do any film auditions or film acting until a couple of years ago, and I still feel like a fish out of water when I get in front of a camera. On the rare occasions I do book a job, I actually really like film work, and find it to be a welcome relief from theater, probably because of the comparatively short amount of time it takes to complete a project. Though I have worked on theater projects for over 15 years now, I am always shocked at the time commitment needed to be involved in a play or musical.  So film work has made for a welcome change… shorter time commitment, better money,  if slightly less fulfilling. But like I said, I still feel really new at this, so I started to keep a journal to write what I learn after each film audition, in the efforts to get better and learn from each of the failed attempts.

I have a few different reactions to the nerves that accompany auditions, and lately I have been favoring The Freeze. This response is akin to the nightmare where the serial killer is chasing you and you turn to run but your legs won't move. My trigger is the moment the camera is turned on, where I freeze like a statue and any preparation, technique, or personality I came into the room with is held hostage by my nerves. This happened to me at an audition yesterday, and it always sends me into the worst kind of self-loathing accompanied by a renewed commitment to find a different career.  However, once I get over the acute misery that accompany these auditions,  I come to realize that they are the best in some ways, because I learn how to fail, learn what not to do, and learn how to be prepared for any scenario. So much learning and growth… so painful to acquire!

Here is what I learned yesterday (this will replace my journal entry for today, and maybe all days):

1. Even if its only 1 or 2 lines, I need to prepare for the reading like it's a full scene. For me that means to develop a world for my character, imagine myself in the conditions the text gives me ( or make it up if it doesn't) and figure out my objectives and actions. I wasn't specific enough yesterday and I think that was a big part of my problem.

2. CHEAT OUT, LIZ. I am constantly hiding and turning away from the camera. Which is generally not the best idea when you are being taped. And when you are reading with another person, which was the case yesterday, talk to them without looking at them the entire time.

3. Leave the feminist and ageist at the door. Almost all auditions around here are for a table full of younger white men who look like they just graduated from film school, or hopped out of high school ready to make movies. And it gets me tired and cynical, because what the hell do they know about acting? But I need to remember that they are people too. People who could possibly give me a job. So I should be nice.

4. Leave the self-consciousness at the door, too. I don't know if this one is possible for me, but I will try harder next time.  Preparation helps with this one.  

5. Be prepared to read with the kind of actors who have no idea how to give and take. Who, when they get nervous, completely ignore you and are going to do their own thing no matter what you give them. Just do the best you can to stay in the moment, I guess.

6. Finally, remember you will most likely read with and/or be surrounded by gorgeous model-types with breast implants and platforms. Prepare to feel invisible. Or else get some of your own.