I have an audition coming up that is causing me a particularly large amount of dread, more so than usual, on account of it being for a Musical. Nowhere in the history of the performance world is there a more epic and traumatic circumstance than the Musical Theater Audition. Each aspect of the audition is daunting in its own individual way, and combine them all…needless to say I set time aside the next day for a nice long nap. Sing pretty for us, then learn this complicated dance combo, and once you're good and sweaty, let's follow it up with a cold read.
Maybe I won't go.
It has been a few months since my last musical audition. So I am little rusty. But thanks to this wonderful dry spell I have been basking in, I have actually noticed that for the first time in my life I am starting to develop a beautiful, luscious, THICK skin. It really is lovely. And its not a checking-out kind of numbness to protect myself from pain, I honestly think I am finally getting to the point where it doesn't affect me as deeply or for as long when I don't get a job. So I have this new thing going for me.
But somehow today, the double poison of comparison and competition over this audition has somehow started to seep in, soaking through my new thick skin and settling in the pit of my stomach. I wish I could express the extent to which these things cannot enter into my system, or else they instantly take up residence, eating away at any trust and faith I have in my talents and abilities until I feel as small as a flaxseed ( I just ate some earlier, and they are really tiny. I guess chia seeds are littler. But you get the idea.)
In my 'umble opinion, there is no place for competition or comparison in the creation of art. Except for a couple of attempts in high school, I never entered singing or acting competitions. While they may be a wonderful and productive outlet for some, these kinds of things completely shut me down. Deep down to my core, I believe that art has to be created for its own sake, and when full attention and focus is placed on creating and improving the work, opportunities to share or implement the work naturally follow. I have found that when I consciously seek and try to control where I use my chosen art forms, it generally leads to a dead end. So I got a bit discouraged today when I found myself getting caught up in thinking about 'getting the part' and worrying about how I will stack up in the audition room. WHICH IS NOT HELPFUL. It wastes time, energy, and put the focus on something that really does not exist, underneath it all.
So, my resolve for the rest of the week until the audition this Saturday is to prepare my 16 bars to the best of my ability, and use the event as an opportunity for my own personal growth as a singer. And most important: to NOT compare myself to anyone else. How can I accomplish this? I worry that I won't be able to resist the temptation.
Julia Cameron, in her book The Artist's Way, has a saying that I think I will use as my mantra the rest of the week.
"There is no competition on the spiritual plane"
In which plane I will attempt to hoist myself up onto, and get myself out of this muck. I don't want it to ruin my beautiful new skin.
It actually makes me feel not as bad about my fears of auditioning hearing you speak about your fears. The reason why is because I've seen your work and I think you are brilliant. Knowing that someone as skilled and determined as you still getting nervous makes me realize it's OK to be nervous and scared. After reading what you've written, knowing how scared I am but still going through with the risk of being rejected makes me feel pretty proud of myself and I think you should be proud of auditioning as often as you have. Honestly I've avoided some auditions because of that fear... But now, knowing how some times I overcome it by going, despite how it turns out, that is an accomplishment on its own.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you are right, you should never compare yourself to others because you may see some people's great attributes on the surface but everyone also has their own flaws. Some people just might be better at hiding them than others. I definitely think you have a lot of strengths whether you believe it or not and I have often compared myself with you using you as a model of where I want to be. But because I use you as a "rival" it's not out of malice, but as inspiration because I do look up to you. I think this is what I must also do with anyone I think is better than me. Instead of saying that person is better than me, I should instead admire them and try to gain their strengths for myself. As for looks, I can't look like someone obviously, but I know someone out there is looking for someone who looks like me, and if not, I will convince them that I have more to offer them than looks.